When Depression Becomes a Recovering Ascension
I haven't been sleeping regularly. In recent times, it's been extremely difficult for me to get a good night's sleep. I have been keeping track of my current situation with rest and there hasn't been much progress so far. And mind you, I have tried many remedies in the hopes of improving my ability to fall and remain asleep. From consuming sleeping aid medication to chamomile tea, to exercising before bedtime, to reading a novel, to applying background white noise from my laptop, to wearing soundproof headphones. There is only so much that can actually work for a long period of time. Not going to lie, there have been several times when I am able to fall asleep fairly quickly. But, in order to actually fall into deep sleep, I usually end up resorting to consuming a few pills of melatonin. While I prefer not to depend on melatonin as a means of falling asleep, I do not want to make it into a nighttime habit. A month and a half ago, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor in order to figure out what was going on. During that time, I had not slept for three days straight and unfortunately, this sleep deprivation occurred during finals week. The lack of proper rest sure did affect my physical and mental being. You can say that I was trying my very hardest to stay sane. My doctor did diagnose me with moderate anxiety and depression afterwards. Which is understandable, because I had read articles previously stating that anxiety and depression are linked to and can coexist with insomnia. And I do have a long and personal history with the latter as well. But, I had never been clinically diagnosed before. I later received prescription medication and a referral to see a therapist to cope with the situation. This all took place before I left to teach English abroad in China. I had no major difficulties sleeping while I was there but after I returned back home, my circadian rhythm for sleep fell out of bounds. I decided to open the old Chromebook and try blogging to see if it will put my mind at ease. After all, writing has always been a cathartic way to express what I'm feeling. Plus, it's also a good method of ranting and raving (but not explicitly). It has been a long while since I uploaded and updated my blog. Being a full-time student has definitely taken a lot of my leisure time and although I highly wish to be consistently active on this blog, I hope to give you, the reader, content that you might be interested in.
It really sucks being a light sleeper. For those who understand, you know what I'm talking about. It's almost like a ritual for me to prepare going to sleep. I must sleep with an eye mask on and lie flat on my back first to find that comfy zone on my bed. Those who are light sleepers find themselves waking up to mild sounds and don't necessarily experience deep REM sleep. I recently told my significant other about my sleeping issues and that the next time I'll actually experience full-on sleep is when I'm dead. Don't mind the dark humor. Why is it so hard to fall asleep? Of course, there are the medical aspects of the inability to fall asleep. It can be due to psychological stress, poor sleep habits, depression, anxiety, etc. The list goes on. This condition, commonly known as insomnia, can be short-lived or chronic. I certainly hope that mine is short-lived since there is only so much that I can take. It sometimes pains me to admit this, but I realized that I am very prone to anxiety and psychological stress. I always thought that I was an individual with tough skin and a strong mindset. But, man, was I fooling myself. I am a vulnerable being. For those of you who are familiar with older terms, you probably know what a "worry-wart" is. A "worry-wart" is someone who worries about certain troubling situations, no matter how mild or severe. Perhaps one of the most useful pieces of advice that my significant other has always reminded me is that it is not good to worry or regret about something that you cannot control. It took me a while to accept that piece of advice because for a long time, I thought that I could always take control of something. It is alright to just let things go, no matter how cliche that saying is. "Worrying too much won't change or solve anything", he would always say. And for the longest time, it was a bitter pill for me to swallow. I believed that I could control things that I was worried about such as, for example, leaving an exam question blank because I forgot to go back to work on it. But, I am just a human who cannot change the past. These episodic moments of worrying led to anxiety, a gradual increase in depression, and a lack of self-esteem. I always had high expectations of myself because I felt that I could surpass others. Reprimanding myself shifted later on to self-harm and a pessimistic outlook on life. I despised nearly every social media post that spewed motivational positivity. At the time, I felt that people were fronting this fake facade of themselves and their hidden emotions. I always felt that I wasn't good or important enough and was very susceptible in envying others' successes. Comparing myself to other people and questioning my abilities were a toxicity. Hence, the difficulty of falling asleep in result of these emotions and thoughts intertwined and became incessant. Although the anxiety and depression has lessened in recent times, it is still lingering in me. I often catch myself reverting back to dark times. It has been a painful and strenuous journey filled with emotional and mental complications. To be honest, I don't know if those feelings will ever disappear. However, I realized that I shouldn't dwell on those emotions at all. It isn't my priority and I have better things that I need to do and accomplish. I have a support system that is there when I need to talk and I should be grateful that I am at least still here on this Earth trying to make something of myself worthwhile.
A support system can be extremely helpful. Although you may initially reject them at first, which is what I had done before, you need to try to set those feelings aside and seek guidance. It can be hard but that is usually the first step for those who are internally struggling. A person can only bottle up so many complex emotions inside until they are just ready to burst out. On the other hand, there are those who choose not to seek guidance and instead, heal themselves. Which is admirable and respectable. Usually, those who heal themselves have somewhat of an inner strength that overcomes their struggles. But, if you are like me and feel the need to talk to someone, do not feel afraid or hesitant in doing so. Remind yourself that it is okay to live imperfectly, because everyone else does.
It really sucks being a light sleeper. For those who understand, you know what I'm talking about. It's almost like a ritual for me to prepare going to sleep. I must sleep with an eye mask on and lie flat on my back first to find that comfy zone on my bed. Those who are light sleepers find themselves waking up to mild sounds and don't necessarily experience deep REM sleep. I recently told my significant other about my sleeping issues and that the next time I'll actually experience full-on sleep is when I'm dead. Don't mind the dark humor. Why is it so hard to fall asleep? Of course, there are the medical aspects of the inability to fall asleep. It can be due to psychological stress, poor sleep habits, depression, anxiety, etc. The list goes on. This condition, commonly known as insomnia, can be short-lived or chronic. I certainly hope that mine is short-lived since there is only so much that I can take. It sometimes pains me to admit this, but I realized that I am very prone to anxiety and psychological stress. I always thought that I was an individual with tough skin and a strong mindset. But, man, was I fooling myself. I am a vulnerable being. For those of you who are familiar with older terms, you probably know what a "worry-wart" is. A "worry-wart" is someone who worries about certain troubling situations, no matter how mild or severe. Perhaps one of the most useful pieces of advice that my significant other has always reminded me is that it is not good to worry or regret about something that you cannot control. It took me a while to accept that piece of advice because for a long time, I thought that I could always take control of something. It is alright to just let things go, no matter how cliche that saying is. "Worrying too much won't change or solve anything", he would always say. And for the longest time, it was a bitter pill for me to swallow. I believed that I could control things that I was worried about such as, for example, leaving an exam question blank because I forgot to go back to work on it. But, I am just a human who cannot change the past. These episodic moments of worrying led to anxiety, a gradual increase in depression, and a lack of self-esteem. I always had high expectations of myself because I felt that I could surpass others. Reprimanding myself shifted later on to self-harm and a pessimistic outlook on life. I despised nearly every social media post that spewed motivational positivity. At the time, I felt that people were fronting this fake facade of themselves and their hidden emotions. I always felt that I wasn't good or important enough and was very susceptible in envying others' successes. Comparing myself to other people and questioning my abilities were a toxicity. Hence, the difficulty of falling asleep in result of these emotions and thoughts intertwined and became incessant. Although the anxiety and depression has lessened in recent times, it is still lingering in me. I often catch myself reverting back to dark times. It has been a painful and strenuous journey filled with emotional and mental complications. To be honest, I don't know if those feelings will ever disappear. However, I realized that I shouldn't dwell on those emotions at all. It isn't my priority and I have better things that I need to do and accomplish. I have a support system that is there when I need to talk and I should be grateful that I am at least still here on this Earth trying to make something of myself worthwhile.
A support system can be extremely helpful. Although you may initially reject them at first, which is what I had done before, you need to try to set those feelings aside and seek guidance. It can be hard but that is usually the first step for those who are internally struggling. A person can only bottle up so many complex emotions inside until they are just ready to burst out. On the other hand, there are those who choose not to seek guidance and instead, heal themselves. Which is admirable and respectable. Usually, those who heal themselves have somewhat of an inner strength that overcomes their struggles. But, if you are like me and feel the need to talk to someone, do not feel afraid or hesitant in doing so. Remind yourself that it is okay to live imperfectly, because everyone else does.
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